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Hey diary, how are you doing?

I've been doing well. I've been doing better than well. I've attended a week of lectures held at Vidarasen by Julia Wolfson, a social pedagog from Australia. Her work has culminated to this place in her life, and I'm showered in benefits as a result of dumb fuckin' luck. Also the grace and love afforded to me by many people who held presence with me my first year in the village. There's Mirjam from Karin's hus, who had infinite patience and a zen-like heart for me. The phrase I'm saying in my head is: "I owe it to her..." and this is something that I often say to myself in a place of immense gratitude. But that's the thing. I've gotten so used to saying "I owe someone" something or other, and it's been hard to keep track of all of my "debts," that for a while now, I've been defaulting on my personal loans I've taken out. I've made so many promises that I haven't kept, but I feel as if I've been promising myself more, not out of a sense of egotistical or narcissistic or selfish self-aggrandizement, but out of love of self and out of a desire to have a whole and heroic relationship with my world. I don't have to be the hero to someone else, but I'll be damned if I become the person that I most dread. I am the person I most dread, but in part to the pieces of the lectures that were given. I'm gonna edit a bit later. I'm getting tired and reminded of how much work that it is to do this stuff. My right arm hurts/ is sore. I better sleep.